My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
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And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.