Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
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Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
The happy life.. 😊
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong