*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
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Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
tinder is all about the long game