Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
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I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.