dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
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If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.