I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
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Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Free him
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans