*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
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Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Lube but for my dry humor.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.