[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
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Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
*me flirting
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert