Wait for it
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[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Oh. My. God.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.