This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
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[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
❤️❤️❤️
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
was Jim off killing horses or…
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.