Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
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Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
this was the best i’ve ever seen
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.