If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
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The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
My first son he is wonderful
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)