A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
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[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
This has made my week.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again