The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
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Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.