person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
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“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.