Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
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losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing