The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
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I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
socratic questions
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks