The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
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In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.