The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
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[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Natural selection at its finest
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?