People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
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I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.