Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
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and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Every photo I’m tagged in
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.