*has no idea what a book even is*
You Might Also Like
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Does it…does it take 3 days
wish me luck lads
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”