My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
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it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
crazy
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”