Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.