WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
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[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
*pronounces patio like ratio
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal