I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
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If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.