mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
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I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Lassie, get help!
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Spell check is for lasers.