[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
You Might Also Like
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.