Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
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I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT