me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
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[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I hate my earbuds.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
me hooking up with my ex
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
my fav colour is also hitler
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?