I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
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Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’