Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
i love meeting boys on tinder
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.