Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
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i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.