Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
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Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
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Me: Same
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.