If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
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You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*