Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
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My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.