being a writer on Twitter:
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.