I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
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Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
🙂🐾
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table