Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
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Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
motivation
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
How to make infinite energy.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine