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I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
😆this is so true
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.