I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”