[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
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I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
🍛
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”