I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
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Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?