“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
asked my bf how work was today
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.