yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
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George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁