“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
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*skinny dips into black hole
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.