If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
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To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
tinder is all about the long game
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]