Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
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Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.