I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
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Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Yup!
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!