I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
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Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
no one ever comes back
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™